One year ago today, in the wee hours of the day, (as in just after midnight), I was lying in my bed the sickest I've ever been. I had the flu and I was absolutely positively miserable. I looked a mess, I felt a mess, I was a mess. Eww. I was a mess physically and emotionally. I felt horrible, looked terrible, couldn't breathe, aching all over, extremely weak, aching all over some more, etc, etc. Plus, I felt torn and nervous and worried too. The only medicine I'd taken over the past couple of days since coming down with the flu was regular strength Tylenol. I knew it was safe just in case.... but didn't have the courage to find out for sure whether limiting myself to plain ole Tylenol was necessary or not.
Terrell came into the bedroom to check on me. He wasn't in bed yet because he's a night owl and keeps late hours on an almost nightly basis. Crazy. Anyway, he heard me moaning and groaning and wanted to make sure I was okay and to see if anything at all could be done to help me feel better. He was suffering too. Mama being out of commission is no fun for anyone, not to mention the fact that he loves me and didn't like seeing me so sick. I think I might have been on the verge of tears, can't remember exactly, but I do remember him urging me to go ahead and in turn giving me the courage I needed. Even though I was afraid and nervous and unsure, he reassured me by saying, "... if you are, we'll be happy and maybe that will help you feel better. If you aren't, at least we'll know and can get some stronger medicine in you to help you feel better." Why didn't I think of that? Those 2 sentences were just enough for me to make myself crawl out of bed and take "the test".
You see, we'd been trying for months to get pregnant with baby #2. We'd been disappointed and discouraged and even a little worried. We weren't used to waiting. We got pregnant with Garrison right away- as in no waiting at all, which was a huge blessing but also had us spoiled and thinking the same thing would happen again. (Although I always knew that there was a very big possiblitiy it wouldn't happen that way again, I still wasn't prepared.) Even though our months of waiting compares in no way to the years of waiting that lots of couples experience and suffer through, it was still tough. After just a couple months we started questioning whether everything was okay or not. That's how unaccustomed we were to waiting. Spoiled for sure. Then a few more months went by and it just turned to disappointment. I knew things were fine, it was just taking a while. And my plans of my babies having a grade level between them growing up were crushed. Who knows why that was SO important to me? I guess I just always felt like a 6th grader and 8th grader would have a waaay closer, waaay better relationship than a 5th grader and 8th grader. All I could think about was how their sibling love and common interests and "friendship factor" would just be ruined if heaven forbid there were 2 grade levels between them. Oh my. How dramatic and exaggerated and crazy are those thoughts??
Anyway, the new year had been a rough start for us... still waiting and me coming down with the flu. When I first came down with my flu-like symptons it was too early to take a pregnancy test and too soon to know whether my monthly friend would arrive. So I endured the symptons a few days, while taking Tylenol, and putting off taking "the test". I was so sick I had absolutely no desire to see a negative result. I didn't have the energy to feel disappointed. It would have only made me more miserable and more of a mess. Even when I knew I could go ahead and take the test to find out for sure, I didn't want to out of fear.
January 11, 2011 I reached my limit. I needed stronger medicine or a positive test. Something had to make me feel better. I needed relief! So once my sweet husband graced me with his words of wisdom, I did it. Then waited, while nearly passing out from exhaustion but staying awake because of the itty bit of adrenaline that the waiting supplied me with. Three minutes later I had my relief. Despite my non-existent energy, I smiled. Then I hugged Terrell. Then I shed a few tears of joy. Then I had to get back in the bed before I fell over. As I rested on my pillow and tried to keep my heart from beating out of my chest, I thanked God for the blessing of my new love... who we didn't know at the time would turn out to be Austin Carson Selph. What a sweet middle of the night moment. Filled with relief, thanksgiving, joy, happiness, gratefulness, and love in spite of the flu.
I hope I never forget how I felt that night and never take my easy journey to pregnancy for granted. I hope I always remember to pray for the couples who long to feel the joy that a positive pregnancy test brings. Waiting is not easy, but God's timing is always perfect. (Even though my babies will have 2 grade levels between them in school.)
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