Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were hard. I definitely got a trial run of what it's going to be like on my own with 3... except I was on my own around the clock and just 1 short week after giving birth. Not what I had in mind for Terrell's "paternity leave" at all.
Thursday night Layton forgot how to sleep and Terrell was in so much pain that it was a struggle for him to get out of bed. He felt guilty for not being there for us and I felt guilty for not being there for him. Plus I felt like a zombie. Can't forget that. I had moments of keeping it together and moments of falling apart. It was a roller coaster of emotions. Frustration, sadness, and just plain overwhelmed-ness.
When Garrison and Austin were both tiny newborns and we were barely home a week or two from the hospital I definitely had my moments of feeling emotional and overwhelmed. I remember with Garrison just being a nervous new mom and literally feeling anxiety when it came to his newborn sleeping habits... aka: my lack of sleep. With Austin I had breast feeding issues in the beginning along with guilt issues over Garrison becoming a big brother and just felt emotional for the first couple weeks. But with Layton things had been going so smoothly and the transition so well that I'd had absolutely no postpardum-crazy hormones-emotional issues at all.
(If you don't count Terrell and I shedding a few tears while we waited for our big boys to come home on our first night home.)
So when my husband fell victim to a strange muscle strain/tear, the crazy postpardum hormones went crazy for real. I started crying a little here and there just because I felt sorry for us. Or because I was exhausted. Or because the house was a mess. Or because I didn't feel capable of handling it all. I never had a meltdown, just a few tears every now and then.
Until Saturday. Saturday was super long, tiring, and hard on me. On all of us. And it finally caught up with me and I finally had a meltdown. Ugh.
Terrell's dad came over Friday afternoon to take Terrell to the doctor (thank you Pops!) and Terrell was finally given some pain meds and a diagnosis. So we hoped he was just going to get better and better after that. Friday night he was much more mobile AND Layton had a good night. It was such a blessing! I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Then came Saturday morning.
Terrell was in so much pain he could barely get around at all. And to make matters worse, Garrison had baseball evaluations that morning. (Something I totally disagree with by the way. He's five. He's barely five. He's in Pre-K. He's learning how to play and just wants to have fun. They better not ruin this for my baby! Okay, had to get that out.) Anyway, Terrell was going to try his best to go because baseball is his thing and he wanted to go and be a part of it and support and encourage Garrison, etc, but there was just no way he could physically do it. Impossible to even try. It was awful.
So me and all 3 boys went to wait in line for 2 hours for Garrison's baseball evals. I thought I was going to cry in line and then I most certainly did blink back tears when it was my baby's turn. But we survived okay and went home for the rest of our day. And slowly but surely it all caught up with me. Terrell and I had both reached our "low points" despite my best efforts to keep it together and my hundreds of whispered prayers. So I had a meltdown and just let it out. Sometimes that's all you can do. And when my big boys noticed me crying and didn't understand why they stood in the kitchen and sang Hark the Herald Angels Sing to help me feel better. MELT. MY. HEART. Oh, it was precious and a gift straight from God. Those 2 have the sweetest hearts and I am so blessed to be their mama.
Since my big meltdown I've been able to catch my breath a little and things have improved around here. For a while there I thought I was drowning. Not a good feeling. Terrell had a much better day pain-wise on yesterday and we felt like we had an almost normal last day of daddy being off before going back to work today. Oh the timing of God's grace was perfect. As it always is.
Now that I'm catching my breath I feel like I can focus more on taking care of my family like a normal, sane person. It's a good feeling. Although we still have LOTS of things going on right now... my Granny is home but still not herself and still not even close to 100%. My sister has another surgery scheduled this week. My mom is taking care of everyone around the clock. We are going to attempt to get back in the routine of things this week with Terrell going back to work and the kids going back to school. My first day on my own comes Wednesday when we truly will start the process of finding our new normal. There's just a lot of anxiety-inducing stuff going on. BUT, just like my quiet time reminder this morning (another perfect timing God-thing), I must remember, Trials are not enemies of faith but opportunities to reveal God's faithfulness. -Barbara Johnson
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair 2 Corinthians 4:8
The title of my devotional was "Facing Difficult Days". He is faithful. He remains in His heaven. He is our refuge and strength. Can you say, timely reminder? Wow. We're going to get through it all. It may not be easy or fast, but eventually we will.
And on another positive, happy note here are a few of my favorite things from last week...