Parenting on Display

While our Spring Break and time away last week was definitely a blessing and mostly fun filled and wonderful, we were also faced with our fair share of challenges...and not just with sickness but with parenting... with witnesses. Gasp! Hopefully I'm not the only mama familar with and even very much afraid of these. I mean challenges are tough when we're on our own as a family of 4 in the privacy of our own home, but they can be crazy scary when we're away from home, in a new/different environment, and surrounded by lots of family.

(You'd almost think it'd be the opposite. That being away and having a break from the normal routine and lots of help from family would mean challenges would be kept to a minimum and handled right away. Not so much for us I'm afraid.)

I found myself extremely self-conscious throughout our break when it came to my kiddos and their personalities, behaviors, eating habits, "weaknesses", you name it. Specifically with my firstborn. I think Austin is still at an age where (almost) everything he does is considered cute and he sort of has everyone wrapped around his finger. I guess you could say he's still in the "baby" category. Although his eating habits, or lack there of, made me pretty uncomfortable while we were away. Garrison on the other hand is at an age that comes with much higher expectations. Expectations that aren't always met.

Garrison's "moments", or unmet behavior expectations, always seem to be magnified when we're with family or there are witnesses involved. Whether it's because I'm afraid it's a poor reflection of me and my parenting when he isn't on his best behavior or my fear of being judged when the time comes for an intervention or disciplinary action, (which I realize is more about me and my insecurities than anyone else), parenting put on display is NOT fun. It is hard. At least for me. Especially when things aren't going perfectly.

Four has been a bit of a crazy age for us. We've seen Garrison mature. We've seen him become an amazing playmate and teacher to Austin. We've seen him grow smarter and learn SO many new things. But... we've also seen him struggle with self control, and bedtime, and immediate obedience. We've had to go back to the drawing board several times trying to figure out what works. And like I mentioned before, when we're away everything seems to be magnified. He's always a little more excited and rowdy which sometimes leads to lack of self control. He's always a little more rough with Austin or has nothing to do with him because he's too busy playing with his cousins or grandparents. His appetite is usually off. Bedtime takes even longer. He pushes the limits a tad more. And the combination of it all leads to much parenting on display and dealing with issues that aren't always typical at home.

At the very end of our week I confessed my insecurites and disappointments to Terrell... who was pretty much totally unaware. Really? How that's possible I'll never know. Actually I do know because I know him and I know he's laid back and things like this don't bother him or get to him or even occur to him sometimes. Our conversation was another reminder to me how important communication is in a marriage.

Anyway, as a parent you always want your child to be at their best, especially when you're away from home. You want everyone else to see what you see at home most of the time. Not all the time... cause that ain't always pretty...but most of the time. You want them to see your child use manners. And demonstrate patience and love to his little brother. And maintain some self control. And have a big appetite and eat all his fruits and veggies. And go to bed without any stalling, complaining, or drama. You want them to see the best in your child because that's what you see.

If only it were that simple.

After a teensy bit of soul searching I've come to relunctantly accept that the issue is with me. Didn't take long to figure it out either. I'm the one who feels insecure when something goes wrong in front of an audience. I'm the one who cringes when I sense/see/hear disapproval of my child(ren)'s behavoir. I'm the one who is really self-conscious when it comes to parenting on display. No one has forced or made me feel this way, I just do all on my own.

God has been reminding me a lot lately that I am not in control and that I need to trust Him with every detail of my life. Every. single. one. Including those not so fun moments of parenting on display. I just read this morning in my Jesus Calling devotional to Be careful not to complain about anything since I am the Author of your circumstances. And, The best way to handle unwanted situations is to thank Me for them. This act of faith frees you from resentment and frees Me to work My ways into the situation, so that good emerges from it.

Part of me REALLY wants to learn to let go. Let go of crazy expectations when we're away from home. Let go of the fear that my parenting could be questioned or judged. Let go of the pressure that I put on myself to make sure my children are perfectly behaved at all times in the presence of others.

I'm convinced letting go does have a place in this little situation of mine, but I think more than letting go it's about trusting God. Trusting Him with my children. Trusting Him with my parenting. Trusting Him in every detail. God Himself orchestrates every moment of my little life. Even the wild and crazy ones that occur with our kiddos with witnesses present. Once I'm able to trust Him and thank Him for it all, after that, I think I'll learn to let go.

And our family gatherings, trips, and holidays in the future can all be a little more relaxing and fun... in spite of hiccups and drama and parenting on display.