Revelation

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

For quite some time now (translation: since the beginning of our marriage) we've been longing for and dreaming of the day we'll get to move home to Barnesville... when we won't have to pack up the house and spend the night away from our own home on holidays... when we'll be able to see/spend time with/visit family any day of the week.... when we'll be able to attend our church every Sunday... when a baby-sitter is 5 minutes away... when we won't have to spend so many of our weekends dividing our time between our families... when our children will be able to attend the schools we grew up in and have teachers and classmates we know. Sigh. Patience is a virtue. A difficult one.

We decided early on in our marriage that our goal for the future was to move back to our hometown eventually and raise our kids in a small town surrounded by family (which always makes me think of the whole "it takes a village" thing), and now, over 7 years later, it's coming down to the wire. At least when it comes to our time table. You see, we reeeally want our children going to school in Barnesville... where we grew up, my sister teaches, and where we'll know lots of their classmates and the majority of their teachers. Moving back home before Garrison starts kindergarten the year after next has always been our ultimate goal. And sometimes our little deadline feels right around the corner and like we better hurry up or we're gonna regret it and be stuck here forever! That sounds dramatic, but I guess I've been known to be dramatic on occasion.

Lately, our deadline/time table/goal for moving-whatever you want to call it- has been on my mind a lot. Probably too much. I've been praying about it a ton... and all about exactly what I want and what I think we need. Terrell and I have talked about it til we're blue in the face and pretty much tired of talking about it. This scenario, that scenario, worst case scenario. We've tried figuring out every single option for school for Garrison if we're here when he starts kindergarten, every single option for me working or not working and possibly having baby #3 here, every single option for selling the house. Ahhhh. We've mulled over endless questions and possibilities that just lead to more questions and possibilities. And it was starting to drive me crazy. And make me more impatient than ever. Ugh. It was frustrating and exhausting and disappointing every time we had a conversation about our goals and plans.

But finally, FINALLY, I had a revelation. God had been working on me for a while but it just wouldn't sink in and stick. Two of my recent devotions in my Jesus Calling book had really convicted me. One is about being content in all circumstances instead of dreaming of the day you'll finally be happy. Fantasizing about future happiness will never bring fulfillment, because fantasy is unreality. The other is about how you won't find peace trying to control the future and spending all your time planning. (And I am a big time planner. Ouch.) God didn't create us to know the future or be able to figure it out, so instead of devoting all our time to planning we need to bring Him our hopes and fears and commit everything into His care. Both of those devotions stood out to me but they didn't sink in because I didn't reflect on them or focus on them or pray about what I'd learned or could learn from them. I just moved on with my busy days and put them in the back of my mind for another, more convenient time.

Then, God intervened again. Monday afternoon while the boys napped I decided to enjoy some me time on my Fall Break and finished reading a book by Francine Rivers called The Scarlet Thread. And boy was my "me time" a God thing. The book is a little dated because it takes place in the 90s but I still really, really liked it. God revealed a lot to me through that book. He revealed selfishness and lack of trust and excessive planning, and even my tight grip on trying to be in control. At the end of the book I found myself reading things like~ 

Do we relinquish everything to the Lord, or do we make him strip us bare before we understand He's in control? 

and...

He's Sovereign... I've been turning things over and around inside out trying to fix things... figure out how to make them work... I'm not in control at all. God is.   

and...

We don't have to have everything worked out perfectly... We need to trust in His plan for us.

Hello?!!!

It was like God finally got through to me using the words of a fictional character in a Christian book. How long have I been consumed with trying to figure things out all by myself while steadily praying for God to works things out just like I want and steadily getting in His way? How long have I obsessed over our plans and grown impatient over them not coming to be? How long have I tried to control it all by talking things over with Terrell and analyzing possible future outcomes? Way too long.

Monday afternoon it finally sank in that I (we) need to let it go. Stop obsessing. Stop analyzing. Stop talking about it every other day. Stop trying to force things to happen. Instead, we need to trust God to handle everything in His way and in His time. We need to let go of the reins and give them back to God. Our hopes and fears, our goals and dreams, our future. It's way past time for us to let go and give them all to God, the One who is in control of it all anyway.

I'm not saying we give up. I'm not saying we won't still pursue the desires of our hearts and our goal of moving to Barnesville. I'm not saying we'll ignore what we believe God wants us to do. And I'm not saying we'll sit around and do nothing while we wait for God to drop something out of the sky. I'm saying we'll turn it all over to Him and while we wait and do what we feel to be "our part" we practice some patience and trust and peace. And instead of focusing our prayers on exactly what we want we focus on listening a little more (or a lot more!) and seeking what He wants for us.

If we're still here when Garrison starts kindergarten we'll look at our options, pray for wisdom, and trust God with where he should go to school. If we grow weary of all the traveling and packing and rushing around during the holidays we'll try our best to keep a good attitude and pray about how to handle all the busyness while keeping our sanity and doing what's best for our family. We'll make the best of being here (which I think we've done okay with so far) while seeking His will and waiting on His timing. God has got this. He's in control and He has it covered. Why are we trying so hard to figure it out and causing ourselves unnecessary stress and headaches? I could've asked myself about a thousand whys after my revelation. Thankfully I let that go too. And I feel better now. I have a peace about everything because I'm truly trusting God to figure it all out and make it all happen instead of us. It's like the pressure's off. And that's a relief. We don't have to have it all planned out or to even have every single detail of our future mapped out. It's okay to just wait. It may not necessarily be easy to wait but it is okay. God's timing is always perfect even though it's sometimes really hard to truly trust that it is.

I'm sure I will struggle with the whole control thing sooner or later. I'm sure I'll be tempted to try to take back the reins. I'm positive I'll get impatient at some point. But, I'll know in my heart there's no reason to fear or stress or figure out or obsess over what is or isn't happening with the whole moving by our deadline thing. I'll constantly remind myself God has it covered, He's in control. Things may not work out exactly like we want or hope or plan for, and they may take longer than we'd like if it was up to us, but they will work out. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

It's time for us to turn from the path of planning to the path of Peace. (Jesus Calling- Sept 17) A break from the planning feels sort of over due. I'm looking forward to not dwelling on it all so, so much. And I'm especially thankful to know that it's not up to us to make our "plans" happen because who knows if they ever would or how that would turn out!