Thursday, February 2, 2017

Change and Struggles

So the past couple of weeks have sort of kicked my behind. Which means some of my not so great qualities have surfaced. *Big sigh* And in an effort to keep it real and to document this "season", I wanted to write about it. 

(The pictures shown have absolutely nothing to do with what I'm writing about, they're just a little happy from our week. =)) 

Back to the past few weeks. January and February have quite possibly become our busiest months of the year. It's still the off season, (Praise the Lord!!), but we're celebrating 2 birthdays, party planning, birthday shopping, hosting parties, planning and going on birthday outings, assembling and/or preparing Valentines, starting "Project I Love You Because", celebrating Valentine's Day, and keeping up with our regularly scheduled programming... school, meals, homework, house cleaning, laundry, baths, bedtime, etc, etc, etc. The start of every year has been busy since Layton Thomas joined our family almost 3 years ago and I'm guessing it will be busy from here on out. Busy in the best way possible. Full of celebration, joy, love, and thanksgiving. A busy I wouldn't trade for ANYTHING.

But this year things have been busy in a totally different way. Translation: Mama is struggling something serious.

This year I am working outside of the home part time... and tutoring 2 afternoons a week... and Preschool Sunday School Director... and a PTCO officer...and still wife to Terrell and mama to Garrison, Austin, and Layton. And I know I'd lose the contest for most busy if it came down to my busy and the busy I see in my friends' lives. I KNOW my busy doesn't hold a candle to their busy. But this is possibly the first time ever, since becoming a mom, I've felt like I'm not up for it all. Like I can't maintain and keep up with all the traditions and fun, special, meaningful things I'm so attached to doing for my family. I can't meet my own expectations! Or keep my head above water with the regular, everyday stuff. And this may sound dramatic, but this realization has stressed me out while also hurting my heart. Oh the emotions. *Another big sigh.*

I've found over the past few weeks that the busy and crazy I experienced in the past isn't the same busy and crazy I'm experiencing while trying to attempt everything I'm used to while working away from the home all day. Even when I taught preschool I was still home for nap time every single day. And that made all the difference. Did you know it's next to impossible to get all of your errands taken care of during the week (or during the morning when it isn't crowded anywhere), if you're working? It's also pretty impossible to find time to work on party prep or Valentine's when you aren't home. Or when you're home but it's late afternoon and time to serve your family in a more practical way... by feeding them.

And the scary thing is I don't even work that much! I typically don't even work the majority of each week. But when you combine a day or 2 of working all day, plus 2 afternoons of tutoring, plus all of my other responsibilities AND the fact that this is all brand new to me because I've been home (mostly) full time for 8 years, well, let's just say you're asking for trouble. Plus an emotional roller coaster.

I haven't shared this breaking news here on the blog, but I'm going to be taking over a Kindergarten class sometime next month for the remainder of the school year. The teacher is taking maternity leave for the rest of the year so I'll be on stand-by come mid-March. (Picture all the emoji's here. Like every single one.) Even though I'm so thankful God has provided this opportunity for us and I trust in His plan and know that unless he changes something between now and then this is where He wants me and what He has planned for our family, I'm big time nervous. Majorly nervous... sometimes anxious, sometimes stressing, sometimes worrying, always nervous. Teaching Kindergarten will require a learning curve I know, but I'm most nervous about how working full time will effect my family. Even working part time has made me forget to sign agendas and call out spelling words! A part of me is dreading it and already counting down to summer. And I know that means this is a trust issue for me. I'm not fully trusting God with it.

Change is hard. Even good change can be challenging. So I'm anticipating a big, huge, probably not-so easy at all adjustment for all of us. And I'm struggling with accepting this change as reality. I'm sort of already mourning the upcoming loss of being home. My dream job. The good old days. If I really dwell on it I could cry the ugly cry and wallow. 

 I am trying my best to focus on the present, and enjoy one day at a time. But I'm not always successful. I'm a planner and it's hard not to look ahead when you know a big change is coming. I'm not even sure we've fully adjusted to me working part time, so the change that's coming is really reeally daunting. 

The month of January was a challenging one for me but the start to this year has also been full of learning and growth. Jesus Always and studying the book of Joshua through the First 5 app have been so good for me. God is constantly reminding me of His promises, His faithfulness, and His sovereignty. So when I'm attacked, I know my weapons and I know my God, deeper and better than before. So comforting and powerful! The emotional roller coaster is still there.... and so is the "mourning"... and the fear off and on, but I know He is faithful and I know He has a plan. And that I can trust in that plan and trust that He knows what He's doing. He knows me! My weaknesses, fears, shortcomings, everything

Right now, I just really want to be obedient. Lysa Terkeurst likes to say, My job is to be obedient to God, God's job is everything else. And that's what I'm trying so hard to remember. I know God will bless this journey, this big change for us, if we are faithful and if we remain obedient. That's the theme I've learned from Joshua. Just be obedient and God will amaze you with what He has in store. God always requires our obedience in a way that trains us to enjoy His blessings. ~Whitney Capps

This has been a crazy few weeks for us. And honestly I'm still struggling. But I know His grace is sufficient. God is providing, supplying, and working every single thing out and we are so thankful. I may be overwhelmed and I may be really nervous but I'm also so, so thankful. God's faithfulness and provisions are abundant and just as Romans 12:2 reminds us Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will. His will is good, pleasing, and perfect and I want to obediently follow and experience it!

(I'll be back next week.... in a better frame of mind I hope! We are so looking forward to this weekend and celebrating Garrison Cade turning 8 with lots of fun plans!! Happy Friday Eve!)

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