Reality Discipline: A Summary & What it Looks Like at Our House

I've mentioned more than once that I finally purchased a parenting book and that it was one that I loved and that I would probably blog about when I finally finished. Well, the time has come. I finally finished it. And I want to write about how it's changed things around here... for my own personal memory and record but also for anyone else who's curious or wants/needs a change or approach to discipline in their house. But, I'm going to preface this post by saying that I don't have all the answers or feel that reality discipline is the only way or even the best way all the time, it's just what works for us and our family... most of the time anyway. There will always be exceptions.

The book I read was Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman. It's Christian based and an easy read with lots of real life examples. But it still occassionally makes things seem a little too easy than real life actually is. However, I did love the book and highly recommend it.

The book (and reality discipline) is based on verses from Ephesians:

Children, obey your parents; this is the right thing to do because God has placed them in authority over you. Honor your father and mother. This is the first of God's Ten Commandments that ends with a promise. And this is the promise: that if you honor your father and mother, yours will be a long life, full of blessing.

And now a word to you parents. Don't keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself approves, with suggestions and godly advice.  Ephesians 6:1-4  (The Living Bible)

I love that.

The book is all about natural and logical consequences that hold children accountable and responsible for their own actions/choices. And, as Dr. Leman says, "The keynote of reality discipline is love." It's about doing everything in love (not anger or stress or frustration).... having a healthy authority over your children, holding them accountable, letting reality be the teacher, using actions more than words, and loving unconditionally. Sounds easy enough, but it's tougher than you think. It's all about that middle ground between authoritarianism and permissiveness.

We were already implementing some reality discipline around here and didn't even realize it. For example, if Garrison threw a toy or used it to bang on the table, etc then he was given a warning and if it happened again the toy was taken away. If you can't play nicely with the toy, we have to put it up. That's the logical consequence. And it's a form of discipline and a way to teach him, not just a punishment. Another example is when Garrison was first moved into his big boy room and bed and tried to play throughout his entire naptime. I told him that if he used his naptime to play (at a time when he without a doubt needed a nap) then he would have to go back to his room to rest after his afternoon snack. If you use naptime to play then during play time you will rest. It's holding him accountable for his own choice. Thankfully the threat alone worked!

One of the mistakes we were making however, was using words more than actions and then eventually losing our tempers. Asking him 5 times to clean up, 7 times to get ready to take a bath, 6 times to get ready to eat, you get the idea. He'd always eventually do it but by then our patience was gone and we were beyond frustrated, not to mention the occassions that led to meltdowns and time-out. Not fun.

Another mistake was forcing or demanding he do something our way versus giving him a choice. (Choices aren't always possible but when they are they're really powerful.) Choices are big when it comes to reality discipline and they promote independence and responsibility and mutual respect. The example Dr. Leman gives in the book is that while we want our children to be well behaved we do not want them to be like "puppies who are submissive, palatable, and easy to lead." We want them "ready to move into adolescence" and able to "be responsible and mature and to think for themselves". I love that too. There was a lot about the book I loved. It's not about controlling them with threats and punishments, it's about helping them make choices and take responsibility for those choices.

Now, we're much more action oriented and willing to offer choices. And it's made a BIG difference. I focus on telling Garrison things to do once or twice and then it's time to "take action". We don't ask over and over and over again all the while losing patience and our tempers. And I always try to offer him a choice (if at all possible). The new way of doing things has really helped me keep my cool. A lot. I'm not constantly losing my patience with him because it rarely gets that far anymore. Of course, we still have our moments but they're just fewer and farther between than ever before.

*Quick disclaimer: Our terrible two's started around 2 and a half and lasted until a few months after he turned 3. If we'd implemented some of these strategies back then, it's hard to say if it would've made a difference or not. Back then, we'd just have moments or even days when we couldn't do anything right in the eyes of our firstborn. Tantrums were thrown and ugliness occurred... regularly. I'd like to think we could've done better had we known then what we know now, but I also know there were times back then when pretty much anything we tried would've failed. Sooo, I guess I'm hoping and praying things are smooth sailing with Austin because we've learned a new approach!

Here's some of our real life examples:

*If Garrison's playing too rough with Austin or not being careful or sharing, he has to go to his room or sit on the couch for awhile. He can't play where Austin is if he's not going to be gentle or share. Sometimes he doesn't like it but we all stay calm and I usually give him a choice of a new place to play for awhile or a choice of what he would like to share with Austin. This approach works lots better than making him go to time out or us telling him 10 times to share or be gentle.
*If he's stalling big time before bed we have to remind him that we won't be able to read 2 books and sing a song because we won't have time. It will be too late since he's taking so long getting ready for bed. We're giving him a choice versus controlling him and then he accepts responsibility for his choice. Sometimes he chooses to hurry up and sometimes he chooses another minute of play time or whatever he's doing but us only reading one book.

(Side note about bedtime: In the book Dr. Leman highly recommends that you not rush through bedtime. He talks about how bedtime is a great opportunity to talk about the events of the day, pray with your child, and just communicate with them. I have been very guilty of rushing through bedtime in the past. Garrison always wants me to put him to bed and I'm usually so tired and ready for me time and a break that it's really easy to hurry through our whole routine. Now that I'm taking my time with him and we're talking more and I'm not rushing out of his room, bedtime goes smoother and he settles down easier and goes to sleep quicker... most nights.)

*We ask once or twice to get ready for bathtime. If he doesn't listen and obey we remind him that he'll have to take a "fast bath" (no toys, bubbles, playtime, etc. just a bath and that's it) if he's not prepared to listen and speed it up. If we have to enforce the fast bath, there could very well be a meltdown, however, we can usually reach a compromise based on choices (which involves a very limited amount of play time and the timer being set). But if a compromise can't be reached, a fast bath it is.

*Speaking of meltdowns... if he's having a meltdown or tantrum over not getting his way we immediately remove him from the family. He goes to his room until he's done crying, acting ugly, etc. and he's gotten himself together. This is becoming more and more rare for us to implement because he "gets it together" pretty fast. We always say it's okay to be upset/sad/disappointed BUT it's not okay to scream/yell/throw yourself on the floor/have a meltdown or tantrum over it.

*If supper is ready and he's not telling us what he wants to eat (besides what we've already decided he will eat) or putting off coming to the table, we remind him that we are starting to eat and want him to join us, however, if he doesn't he will have less time to eat. When supper is over it's over whether he's finished eating or not or whether he's had a little something for dessert or not. We also remind him that he'll have to eat what we've put on his plate and nothing else since he isn't picking out his fruit or other sides. Thankfully, he really likes to eat so one reminder is usually all it takes. Dr. Leman is hard core about supper time battles.

*When it's time to clean up, Garrison usually cooperates and does a good job. But he's not perfect and we do have our moments. If he isn't listening and cleaning up like we've asked, he sits on the couch doing nothing until he's ready to clean up. No more play time, no joining us for lunch or supper, no nothing until the mess is cleaned up. This is very effective for us. Occassionally choices are offered like cleaning up this pile now and this pile later versus doing it all at once, having someone help him clean up versus doing it my himself, etc. Choices are good and can head off a meltdown quick.

*If he talks back or uses an "ugly" voice or is disrepectful he immediately goes to his room for a time out. Dr. Leman recommends a time out for you or your child so that you don't "fight back" and lose your temper, which is very easy to do if you've just been disrespected. Haha. But, talking back is never acceptable and must have a consequence... isolation for a brief period, a spanking, etc. With Garrison we always go in his room and talk about it afterwards. It gives us time to cool off and to communicate in love instead of anger.

Those are all the examples I can think of that we have to deal with on a somewhat regular basis at our house. I'm sure I'm forgetting some but these are the main ones. We always discuss grocery store/Chick-Fil-A/library behavior expectations before we go and I remind him of consequences as well. But the main focus is a reminder of appropriate behavior and how I know he'll do a good job and be a good listener/helper. 

The next thing I'm tackling is implementing reality discipline at the grandparents' houses. Garrison tries to get away with any and everything when we're spending the weekend with the grandparents, and I'm way more leniet because I'm trying to avoid an embarrassing meltdown with witnesses. Sooo, we'll see how things go this coming weekend.

I really did love the book and will refer back to it often I'm sure. It's not always easy to let reality be the teacher. Sometimes it even breaks your heart. But it does work and it is done in love. I know it's changed things around here for the better and we are especially thankful!