Adjusting...

These past few weeks have just about done me in. I've had enough pity parties, good cries, too long to-do lists, and plain old guilt to last me a long, long time. This week in particular hasn't been pretty. Terrell's been in more pain than ever before. Austin started the week at the doctor and still isn't completely well. We had to miss Garrison's first soccer practice. I've been working non-stop. And things around here just haven't been so great.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just me. Surely normal people handle change and long to-do lists and exhaustion better than this. For the life of me I cannot figure out how to just go with the flow. Roll with the punches. Be laid back and carefree. I think this whole adjustment period of going back to work and the start of the school year have been difficult and overwhelming because it's me. Boo. It's like I'm not cut out to be the wife/mom/teacher/jeweler who does it all. As in, somewhere along the way, somebody or something gets the short end of me. Somebody or something is sacrificed. I can do/be a couple of things well, but not all of them well. And especially not all of them well at the same time. Boohoohoo!

Okay, the record number of pity parties has got to stop. Gracious.

In some ways the adjustment period we're experiencing as a family has been exactly what I expected. I knew I'd be behind on laundry going back to work. I knew I'd be especially tired on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday afternoons. I knew I'd feel guilty working my part-time day job plus my Premier job. I knew getting out the door on the mornings I had to work would be crazy and busy. All of those things were expected and have been dealt with in a somewhat normal manner. Thank goodness.

What I didn't expect or prepare myself for is what I haven't handled so well. Austin getting sick the second week of school. Putting the kids to bed at night and then having to work on my class newsletter or lesson plans or Premier stuff or making lunches or ironing clothes or getting ready for Austin's birthday party (the list goes on and on...). Terrell having to take off work with Austin not once but twice. Terrell having to take Austin to the doctor instead of me. Having to miss Garrison's first soccer practice because I had a Premier show and Austin was sick. Having no desire or energy to cook on Monday or Wednesday evenings. Feeling pulled in 5 different directions and my family suffering because of it. Those are the things that are making me crazy. Those things along with the fact that we're getting ready for a big 1st birthday party on Saturday and my husband is still having pain/issues from his back problems. We've been dealing with doctors and insurance people and clinical assistants all the while trying to get some answers and relief plus working on a baby book and party planning and preschool stuff and Premier shows.

I totally underestimated the "outside" work time that comes with being a preschool teacher. Even though I do love my job. I love my 15 three year olds. I love the fact that I only work 3 days a week. I love the fact that the job itself is stress free and rewarding. And I love that my co-teacher and I are sharing responsibilities. However, planning takes place at home. Preparing for crafts takes place at home. Writing up a newsletter takes place at home. And that's what I'm struggling with. I've got to find a balance. Lord, help me find a balance. Every night this week I've been working from the time the kids go to bed until the time I go to bed. And it hasn't been fun. The last time I worked this much in the evenings was before kids when I was teaching 2nd grade. Ahhhhh. I. am. TIRED.

Guess the pity party wasn't quite over yet.

I know lots of moms do all this stuff and more. And even more are tired just like me. You just do what you have to do. Life is busy and crazy and definitely not fair, you just make the best of it and keep pushing through. It's just what you do. Except I don't do it well when I'm overworked and overwhelmed. And it frustrates me and makes me feel guilty and makes me unload on my husband. Bless his heart.

I just want things to calm down. And to find a balance so my family doesn't suffer. And not have pity parties and a looming bad attitude. Sigh.

The first month of school has been a whirlwind of work and fun, sickness and craziness. Instead of growing pains we've had adjustment pains. Ugh. Praying about my lack of balance and having my quiet time in the mornings and cutting myself some slack have helped. A long weekend, moving on to celebrating my baby boy's 1st birthday, and putting this month behind us will be a big help too. But reading this helped most of all.

Trusting. Following. Peaceful despite my circumstances. (Which really aren't that bad! Thank you Jesus!)